Future Professions For Sarah Palin

If Sarah Palin doesn't become the nations Vice President (if, i meant when), she's gonna want something more to life than just being the Governor of Alaska. I mean, now that she's a huge celeb she's gotta take advantage of that. Here are some new jobs she can try out:

Disney Cast Member: I heard they needed someone to wear the costume for Talek, the new lip-stick wearing pittbull Disney character:


Waitress: At a Hollywood restaurant themed as the good old Alaskan back country:


SNL Cast Member: Like Tina Fey, but a lot worse. She can just sit around while everyone else does her sketches.

Whatever this could be (either a FBI agent in a beauty pageant or a stripper dressed as an FBI agent in a beauty pageant):

Birthday Presents Will Never Be The Same

Think of all the great things the internet has brought us:

E-mail, so we we can sit around on our asses all day without having to go to the mailbox or call someone. E-vites, so now you don't have to spend the price of a stamp, which i think is around $2 these days to invite friends to your crazy party. Cybersex, so you can have internet sex with someone because you're too creepy for anyone to have real sex with you.

But what happens when you're having cybersex with someone and you have a cyberSTD? How can you tell them without ruining your friendship? Or if it was just a cybersex one night stand and now you feel awkward telling them but you feel like you have an obligation. Well, the great thing is, you don't have to worry about cyberSTDs. Unfortuneately, there are real STDs, and people do get them. If you find yourself in a situation where you have an STD but you're too embarassed to tell all the women you've infected, inSPOT has the answer for you: E-cards that tell a person they may have an STD.



Just think of all the unpleasant awkward conversations you can now avoid. In this past, these conversations would have probably ended with some harsh language or you being injured. Now, your one night stand can open their e-mail one morning and find out the easy way. Maybe they'll smash their computer, but at least that computer isn't your face. And the best part is your conscience in cleared. Everybody wins!

Citizen Kane in 10 seconds

What does Rosebud mean? Let's spend two hours trying to find out. Shoot. No one finds out and Rosebud is burned in a fire. Now, no one will ever know.

Baby Names

My projected most popular baby name of 2009: Astird.

Nick Raps - Alex Mack

Not every 90s Nickelodeon theme song can't have a sweet rapped theme song by Coolio, but every show wish it had. What about "The Secret World of Alex Mack?" That should could have been ten times more badass if it had a rapped theme song. Luckily, I found one:

Puddle of Goo: By Nick Cannon (feat. Linda Ellerbee)

Puddle of Goo (goo goo goo goo goo)
Puddle of Goo (goo goo goo goo)

Alex was walking home one day,
When she suddenly a barrel went astray ,
It was a secret sample, it hurt a ton,
Now Alex is infected with GC-one six one

She can move things with her mind,
Maybe she can save all mankind
But someone's looking to intrude upon,
That evil plant leader Danielle Atron

She wants to find Alex and experiment on her,
So Alex must hide hoping she can deter,
With the help of her sister and her best friend Ray,
She's hides from Vince much to Atron's dismay

Alex Mack, she's great in the sack,
You better watch your back, cause its the MACK ATTACK

Puddle of goo (goo goo goo goo goo)
Puddle of goo (goo goo goo goo)

Uggh, boots.

Outside Temp: 65 degrees Fahrenheit
Number of Ugg boot sightings before 12 noon: 9

you've got to be kidding me.

Apple's New Laptop

Apple is introducing some new designs for their MacBooks on Tuesday, and I heard these laptops are also coming with some cool new features:
- Fans with a combined heating and A/C unit
- Microwave Oven (optional)
- Tanning Bed Dashboard Widget
- Calling features. Who needs an iPhone when your laptop can make calls?
- Cable jack. TVs are outdated anyways.
- Built in iSight laser. For security purposes.
- New apple key. Press it, and a PC user dies.
- An upgraded superiority complex

Michael Cera's Next Movie

Let me start off with a disclaimer: I Love Michael Cera. I have loved him every since he started out at the awkward George Michael on "Arrested Development," and I have enjoyed every movie he has been in since then. I write this, Michael Cera, not cause I do not like you, but because I am worried about you. After watching Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist yesterday, a movie I really enjoyed, and I realized Michael Cera needs to take action. He needs to go outside the box and do something he has not done before: a drama, an action movie, a horror movie. Anything. Here are some suggestions for future movies:

The Cure
When the youngest scientist (Cera) in a group accidentally creates a neurological deadly disease, he is worried of the consequences. While looking to find a way to destroy this specimen, a group of terrorists break into the complex and steal the formula for the disease. Now, the scientists must work to find a cure before this virus is released, and Cera decides to go after the terrorists, feeling responsible for the fate of the world. When the terrorists end up being a group genetically altered super bears, Cera faces the ultimate challenge of man vs. wild.

Frostbite
Five high school kids (Michael Cera, Ellen Page, Jonah Hill, Kat Dennings, and Clark Duke) head out for a ski weekend at Cera's remote cabin. What starts out as a enjoyable weekend suddenly turns to strange. Their skis go missing. The car won't start. They begin seeing and hearing things around the cabin. What started out as a race down the mountain ends in a fight for their lives against a group of cannabalistic stay-at-home moms.

The Warning Track
Dennis (Michael Cera) had always loved baseball. He was a star on the varsity baseball team in high school, but when a brawl broke out against their rival team, Dennis was suspended for the rest of the regular season for killing a player. Now, Dennis starts working with the coaching staff to make the playoffs so he can get his chance to play again. Everything leads up to the championship game against their rival team. Is the glory of victory worth losing his life to the gang of ornery oponents? Based on a true story.

Condemned
After failing his AP US History Test, Jack Alexander (Michael Cera) wakes up the next morning to find himself in 1776. Now, he must relive US history as a social figure from that period in order to get it right this time. Jack starts out as George Washington, and becomes other famous historical figures like John Wilkes Booth, Andrew Carnegie, Hitler, Martin Luther King Jr., and George W. Bush. What starts out as Jack trying to relive history ends in him changing it entirely when he acidentially blows up the world. Oh well.

Porn
Not just regular old porn, but kinky, toys and all porn. I'm talking laser light shows, fog machines, bounce houses, roller derbies, and Burger King ball pits. But when Michael Cera is clothed he should wear a striped polo with a zip up hoodie, as well as courdoroy pants. He should also have a shy, awkward personality. Instead of traditional porn music there should be indie music chosen by Michael Cera himself.

What I'm Listening To...

Jose Gonzalez - Hand on Your Heart

What happens when an Argentinian man is born in Sweden? Beautiful, melodious music is born, that's what. Gonzalez has one of the most relaxing voices I've ever heard, and his lyrics speaks to me. While this song could have some cheesy love references, Jose makes it seem like something more. His lyrics have meaning. His guitar also makes listening to this song more than just listening, it's an experience. Whether he's speaking to the people in the world who have lost someone close, or giving advice to those blossoming new relationships, or if you just like good relaxing music, listen to this song:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UmLGMWgHIgw

10 TV Shows I'm Excited For This Season

The 60th Annual Emmy's were last night. The best in television were honored for their great work in the past year. Now, A new year is upon us.

There are a few times during the year I really get excited. One of them is March Madness. I guess that may be pretty much it. Besides now. Not only is it turning to the awesomeness of fall, but TV shows are beginning their new seasons. I always get ridiculously excited for the new seasons, as well as new shows to get into. Here are the 10 shows this season I'm looking forward to:

Heroes
Monday, September 22nd
8PM on NBC
I don't know about the rest of you, but last season of Heroes was such a tease. The strike shortened season kept the season from never really getting an exciting flow to it. However, this left the show with a lot of exciting questions to be answered. What does the future hold in store for the Heroes? What will Sylar do next? Will Villians take over this season of Heroes? Find out tonight.

How I Met Your Mother
Airs: Monday, September 22th
8:30 PM on CBS
As much as I would like to know who Ted's wife is, I'm more interested to find out what will happen with Barney and Robin. Could Barney finally end up actually dating someone? And what will Stella say to Ted's proposal? This show is always finds a way to just make you feel good, and I hope in continues into the 4th season.

The Office
Airs: Thursday, September 25th
9PM on NBC
The season ended with an accepted proposal, but not the one we were expecting. What will Pam do? How will the Dwight/Angela/Andy Love Triangle play out? How long will it be until Michael asks the new HR girl to marry him? Although The Office had a somewhat rocky last season, it finished strong and will hopefully continue into its 5th season.

Dexter
Airs: Sunday, September 28th
9 PM on Showtime
Dexter is one of my new favorite Showtime shows, along with Californication. This show's 2nd season was nothing but edge-of-your-seat suspenseful, and hopefully more of that will come in the 3rd season. How much longer can Dexter go keeping his identity a secret?

Californication
Airs: Sunday, September 28th
10:30 PM on Showtime
The sex-addicted David Duchovny returns as the sex-addicted Hank, who has finally won what he has been fighting for throughout the first season. Hank may now finally have what he wants, but will that be enough? Will he let his new book stay in the hands of the 16 year old daughter of Karen's ex boyfriend that he had sex with? Will Hank be able to stay with one woman for the rest of his life?

Chuck
Monday, September 29th
8PM NBC
No show has really found the perfect harmony between Comedy and Action like Chuck has. The quirky Chuck along with his Buy More associates each have their Nerd Herd qualities that make for a great supporting cast. The fate of Chuck, the one man superdatabase, lies in the hands of Sarah and Casey, his federal agent bodyguards. How much longer will Chuck be safe, even from the ones who are supposed to be protecting him?

30 Rock
Airs: Thursday, October 30th
9:30PM on NBC
30 Rock cleaned up at The Emmys last night, picking up awards for Best Comedy, Best Actor, Best Actress, and Best Writing. 30 Rock has consistenly become funnier since the show aired two seasons ago. Kenneth never ceases to make me laugh, and Tracy Jordan is comdeic gold. The writers of this show are the smartest writers out there right now.

24
Sunday, November 23rd
FOX
This show didn't even get to air last season because of the strike, so it has been a long time since Jack Bauer has killed everyone in sight. While the situations do get a little ridiculous, and more happens in those 24 hours than will happen in most years, the high intensity of 24 always finds a way to keep me entertained.

Scrubs
ABC
Scrubs is on its final season, and it goes into it with a new network. I hope the show moving to ABC does not ruin anything about it. While it has gone down in humor a little over the past season or so, the writers will find a way to make sure it goes out with its old fashion humor and lovable characters.

LOST
February
ABC
Not a lot needs to be said about the anticipation for this show. Anyone who watches LOST can never wait for the next episode. Although we have to wait til February for the 5th season, we get to see it without any breaks or reruns. Hopefully answers will start to pour out of the show, since there is only one more season after this one until the series ends.